So this is what a thousand pieces feels like.

The things you said to me made it seem like it was going to be perfect. I smiled constantly when I was around you, and we spent as much time as we could together and when we weren’t together we’d text and talk about the most random things. We had those I love you fights that we would let each other win once in a while. My parents about two months ago said to me “You’ve changed. You’ve calmed down a lot more now and you seem so happy. I’m so glad you are.” I was too. I felt like the luckiest girl in the world. I was so happy even though I had an extremely weird way of showing it. You always joked around about me being blonde, all my blonde moments made me so embarrassed. But you said you loved it. You would call me a loser, but you said I was your loser and that you’ve learned to love it. When you kissed me, it felt amazing. I would have kissed you for days if I could. Every time we kissed, it gave me butterflies just like the first time we kissed even though we’ve kissed thousands of times before. Then something happened. You were being distant. You wouldn’t call me babe all the time like you used to, you wouldn’t text or talk to me as much as you used to. You would only tell me you loved me once a day, which wasn’t normal because you used to tell me so many times a day making sure I remembered. I was the one to push you away. I drove you to it. I handle everything the wrong way and it’s killing me just knowing that this is all my fault. I’m trying so hard but I can’t hold the tears from my eyes. I wish you were still mine because to be completely honest you were the only thing that made me so happy. I don’t know what will hurt more; knowing i’ll miss you so much or knowing you won’t miss me at all. I honestly think I felt my heart break. You know what hurts the most? The feeling that the love of your life is falling out of it. They lost any or all attraction to you because you fuck up. My heart is breaking and i have no idea what to do. There really isn’t anything I can do to mend my heart back together. It hurts knowing that the love of your life isn’t on the same page as you anymore. I’m here, they’re there. I’ve been up literally all night writing pages and pages of thoughts that i’ll never send to you. Then i’d sleep all day. I have never slept so much at a time in my life. My stomach is in a huge knot and I can’t eat or drink anything without feeling sick. I remember the first time we talked, the first time I saw you, I even remember the profile picture you had when you added me on Facebook. I remember how happy and how special I felt when you called me beautiful, gorgeous, cute and pretty. Although I didn’t see what you claimed to have seen, I felt it in a way.. Want to know what else I remember? All those times you hurt me. The first time you broke up with me, the first time you picked a girl over me, even though you came back it still hurt. The first time I sat in my room crying over you because you broke my heart for the first time. I remember taking you back all those times. Wanna know why I took you back so many times? Because I loved you. This all hit me pretty damn hard. I didn’t expect it to be this way. I didn’t expect it to hurt this much. Do you remember the times you told me “It will be hard but I love you and we can make it last. We wont see each other as much as we would like but we’ll make it.” What happened to that? What happened to me being your everything? What happened? I can only miss you so much that it kills me on the inside to know that you are doing perfectly fine without me. You have no idea how much i’ll miss those kisses, those talks in the mornings, the cuddling, the times you made fun of harry potter, even though I’d pretend to get mad at you…haha. I’ll miss the times you used to tickle me until I couldn’t breathe. I loved it so much even though I’d tell you to stop. I loved how you didn’t. I have never fallen so hard for someone as I did for you. You were my first everything…well almost everything. You would have been this summer. It was like our love set fire so brightly just to wither and die. I want to feel your lips brush against my cheek, my forehead, my nose.. my lips.. I miss the lips that made me fly. The last time you came over and we just laid there for about an hour and a half, cuddling, somewhat watching the movie, and talking about a lot of random things made me realize that I really am in love with you. I knew I was, but it hit me then and it hit me at prom. It hit me real hard those two times. I caught myself rereading old texts from about a week ago, and everything seemed perfect. I even caught myself smiling. Then I broke down. You’re not mine anymore, it hit me all over again. It keeps hitting me over and over. I can’t concentrate on anything important anymore, especially finals and to be honest, i don’t even care about finals. I don’t care about studying. I don’t care about failing. I know my mom really liked you because she lays here with me watching movies and holding me while I cry telling me it’ll all be okay. But it won’t be. She most definitely wouldn’t do that if she thought you were the wrong one for me. I guess I just expected you to be there forever, like you said. I believed it. Your happiness was and will always be more important to me than my own. So I’m sorry for everything I put you through. You had to deal with my bipolar and stress. I would go to any lengths to fix everything, but it can’t be fixed. I would take it all back and handle everything differently. It wasn’t intentional. I keep asking what went wrong. Was I too demanding? Did I want too many things? You made my life so much better in every way imaginable. I’ve had the best moments of my life. I’ve learned a lot from you. You brought down 90% of the wall I had built. I just wish I could hear you say my name, just once. The way you used to. How did you just walk away? How does one person just decide that another person isn’t as important to them anymore? I want to understand. They say you never really get over someone you fall in love with. Well, I don’t want to get over you. So please don’t force me to try.. I thought that you were the one. You are the one. You marked a new chapter in my life. I didn’t want that chapter to be cut short. You’re not longer part of this book, and life’s no longer fun. But you still have my heart and I just want you back. I want to keep loving you the way I do.

I’ve lost everything I care for.